And there I sat, amongst at least a couple dozen women but feeling utterly singled out. It felt as if the speaker was speaking directly to me, to my soul that had felt dormant for months, maybe years. I suddenly had a flash back to that funny commercial of the man sitting in his t-shirt and underwear on his worn in couch eating Cheetos with the crumbs piling up on his rounded-out belly. The man on the TV pointing directly at him telling him to get off the couch, put the Cheetos down, and go exercise, go live. As I sat on the floor hearing this person tell me to “choose life”, I knew it was just the confirmation I needed at that very moment. I was determined to forge ahead and choose life.
I have been working in corporate America for almost 10 years now. Right out of college I knew I needed to get a foothold into a career that would pay off my student loans and build a foundation of financial stability. After all, isn’t that the American dream? Go to college, get a respectable good paying job, get married, have children, buy a house, and be in a position of being independent and self- sufficient. I don’t think any of those things are bad, and many people do have a significant sense of purpose and fulfillment in them. I too felt a certain sense of accomplishment from graduating college, getting into a reputable career that paid decent money, and purchasing my own house that literally had a white picket fence. What I have accomplished up to this point were all things that were within my control, and I did it! I felt good. But what do you do when the things that are outside of your control don’t fall into place the way you always assumed they would? When you are left with expectations that just weren’t met; when the life you thought you would have, the life you expected either never happened or it just fell apart before your very eyes?
To add on to the fact that I haven’t started a family, after 10 years in a career that I haven’t loved for the past 6, the heaviness from the lack of fulfillment started to bare its weight. I rarely found much solace in friends who could share in this same experience. When I would look around me I didn’t see many if any women my age is this specific situation. Most of my friends are well into a marriage or relationship and/or have children who naturally shift one’s life path and priorities. What I did come to realize is even though my life looked very different from most there is still a uniting common thread between so many and that is having expectations that haven’t been met and the feeling of disappointment that comes from it. What do you do when you find yourself in this place? When the life you are living is so different than the life you so badly wanted. Well I still don’t have an all-encompassing answer, but I prayed.
God, what am I supposed to be doing; am I still in the right place? I can’t see Your plan at all, sometimes I can’t even hear Your voice. My life just isn’t making sense to me. Is there something that I missed along the way? I have this guttural yearning, this unquenched desire, a feeling, that there could be so much more to my life and I’ve barely scratched the surface. I’ve been surviving and having fun in moments, but unsure if I’ve really lived for years now. I’ve been in such a monotonous routine on a daily basis. You haven’t given me a family yet to pour into so what is it You want me to do? What do You have for me? Please tell me if I am completely off in my desires and they stem from any selfish sense of entitlement. Is it wrong of me to want more? To crave something deeper? I want to be able to completely surrender to Your will, even if it brings more difficulties than I think I can bare, or it leaves me without my deepest wants. After all, I am not owed anything. On top of that I have already been blessed with more than I deserve. I realize all these things. Regardless, here I am desperately searching for more.
Am I alone in this? Has anyone else felt like they weren’t choosing to live their life but rather they were waking up every morning feeling like they were on auto pilot? And I don’t just mean some mornings, I mean MOST mornings. I was overcome with the realization that some mornings my soul never even really woke up, like I was completing my daily routine half asleep, with eyes only half open and that was just so I wouldn’t trip.
I have prayed so many prayers similar to this over the past few years and then, one day, I received what I saw as an answer. We had heard rumors that the company was going to close its doors in Hawaii for months and finally one day we all got called into meetings with or managers at the same time and were told our office is officially closing its doors in 9 months. We had an option of applying and taking a job in a handful of states on the mainland or we could severe ties with the company. Any time I considered following my career that I no longer loved, leaving the place I lived and I fell in love with to move back to the mainland, well the very thought repelled me greatly. I cringed; I couldn’t handle even thinking of continuing my life in this zombie-like status. It felt safe but it just didn’t feel right. What a surreal experience, to realize that I felt safer taking the risky route and it was riskier and more unsettling taking the safe one. I knew I was being prompted to not take the safe route. I was being asked to let it all go, take the risk, and follow a path not yet revealed. Step by step, enter into the unknown. I decided to sell everything I owned in Hawaii; I bought my first plane ticket, squeezed my friends and family tight and left. I was off to see and experience the world, and find my way, along the way.
Here we go God, it’s just me and You. Please hold my hand tightly; I’m following Your lead.
Photos by Sunny Golden Photography